will you be waiting?
by sydney sama
Summary: what could happen when someone realizes that they cannot wait forever...


Will You Be Waiting?

(a vignette)

By Sydney SAMA

Disclaimer: All items, locations, characters, etc. belong to Square Inc.

Blue, like the winter snow in the full moon  
Black like the silhouettes of the trees  
Late blooming flowers lie frozen underneath the stars  
I want you to remember me that way  
(far away)  
I'll be gone, will you wait for me here  
(how long)  
I don't know, will you wait for me here  
Still as the river grows in December  
Silent and in perfect blinding ice  
Spring keeps her promises  
No cold can keep her back  
I want you to remember me that way  
(far away)  
I'll be gone, will you wait for me here  
(how long)  
I don't know, but wait for me here  
(follow)  
Don't follow me to where, where I go  
(faraway)  
I'll be gone, will you wait for me here  
(how long)  
I don't know, will you wait for me here  
(follow)  
Don't follow me to where I've gone  
(follow)  
Don't follow me to where I've gone  
(someday, you'll take my place)  
And I'll wait for you here

-_Frozen Charlotte_, Natalie Merchant

******

Drip, drip, drip…the sound of something leaking downstairs? Maybe in the kitchen? No, it was closer…maybe in the bathroom…No, even closer…

Maybe on my floor, on me, my hands?

My eyes were leaking, leaking out tiny droplets of tears…of my own?

I was used to this, I always have been…ever since the defeat of Sephiroth.

You'd think that all of us would be happy, will most of us were, except for the ones who were the most important. Cloud? No, me…Or maybe it was both of us. Anyway, I haven't been happy, how could I be? My new bar had just opened up in Kalm, right next to Aeris' mother's house. The atmosphere is so pleasant here, too bad nothing good's been happening. 

My bar is my home. It's more of an apartment "slash" bar, a little bit of both, just like the old 7th Heaven. The new, polished wooden stairs led up to my room, the bathroom, and Cloud's room. Customers come in the bar, and they go out, and I'm making a profit from it all. Cloud helps out a little now and then, but he mostly keeps to himself like the natural loner he is.

Why won't he open up to me…? After all that we've been through, after all the waiting, and now that it's all over, the thing I've wanted most still hasn't come to me. It's always been this way. All work, no reward. I feel like a dog who's just finished its one-hundredth lap around the race track, finishing in first place…and not even receiving a meager bone for its efforts.

It's night time now, and its just like my regular routine. I close the bar, clean up, wash up, then go upstairs to either read, think, write, or cry…I used to talk with Cloud, we talked all the time…but lately, our relationship's been drifting apart. I feel less close to him than when he first joined Avalanche. I thought that after everything was over, we would be together, or at least closer. We had been close, bound together by our common vengeance for Sephiroth, but now, after that tie was destroyed, there's been nothing between us…funny isn't it? How life's always playing tricks on us, deceiving us. Well, it's been deceiving me ever since I was born. After the countless pains I've had to go through, I always thought everything would be fine in the end...that things would get better. Life's just funny that way.

I want to cry, I want to cry every night…and I usually do. I feel myself dying everyday…I love him…I need him so much right now, can't he see? Is he just blind to me? Or does he just not care? 

No, he cares, but maybe he just cares about someone else more than he cares about me. Pain tears through my heart, and everyday adds a new open wound to it. My heart bleeds itself out every second, until I feel that I may just die all together at any given second. Every time I look into his empty eyes, every time I feel the tangible, uncomfortable silence, every time I hear empty meaningless comments and responses from him, I feel like a part of me dies. I can't stand it, I can't stand to be strong…because I'm not. Everyone has this preconceived notion that I can get through everything and anything. Like I'm this invincible person who doesn't feel anything...who doesn't need to feel anything. I guess I'm expendable that way. 

I'm weak, always have been. He's been my weakness, and he killing me unknowingly…slowly, but surely. It's so hard to keep stoic and cheerful in front of him when I'm not… I wipe my tears from my eyes as my last thoughts are filled with him. 

Did you ever know what I kept in my drawers Cloud? Do you? I have my diary, my poetry and song book, pictures of you…you Cloud…Reminders of you are kept in this drawer, along with my fighting gloves and a gun Vincent gave to me a while back when we parted out ways. 

I'm sorry Cloud, I really am. I'm sorry I can't wait anymore, I'm sorry…I'm sorry.

I run my fingers across the cool steel of the gun in my hand…It's so smooth, so beautiful. How can something so beautiful do so much damage? I guess it's kind of like you Cloud…I love you so much that it's killing me…It kills me inside, you kill me…

"Tifa? I need to talk to you for a minute…" Your voice rips through my thoughts, and I quickly shove the gun into the pocket of my jeans.

You're holding some bags, you're wearing that warm jacket that I love… I smile at you…

Why are your blue eyes wavering…You look so sad Cloud.

"I'm leaving for a while…I-I need to find something Tifa…"

Is that it? Is that what you've come to tell me?

"I need to find something that I lost a long time ago…Myself, my feelings, what I am…"

Is it just you? Is it just you, or maybe me?

You finally look at me, "I'll be back though Tifa. I promise…"

Promise? You promise me a lot of things.

I look at you, "I'm dying Cloud, and I can't bear it anymore. I'm like a slow dying flower, everyday, I die a little bit more. And you know why? Do you want to know? It's because of you. I love you so much Cloud, I love you too much…"

You look shocked Cloud, what is it? Are you surprised?

"And, I can't stand to see myself die everyday. I'm sorry Cloud, I'm so sorry…"

"But I'll be back Tifa, I swear, I promise…"

I shake my head, "You promised that you'd come save me when I was in trouble…I am in trouble Cloud, the most trouble I've ever been in my whole life…You know that? Really, I am…"

Tears are falling down your face Cloud, why?

"I promise, I swear on my heart I'll be back…"

Do you see my tears Cloud? I'm crying too…But that doesn't mean anything to you. Nothing ever did, nothing I ever did mattered to you. It's all you, and it's always been about you. My time's never come, it never has until now. Ironic, isn't it?

"No, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

"Why are you sorry?"

I shake my head and take a deep, unstable breath, my tears are salty against my lips…

I can see that you're crying just as hard…Are we sharing something? Maybe we are, maybe we aren't. Sometimes I wonder, did we ever share anything? Anything but that fickle promise that has been broken countless times, but always managed to survive in the end...But it's dead now. 

"I promise I'll come back…I promise Tifa, I promise…Will you…Will you be waiting?"

You have an eager look…Your eyes, your eyes are so blue…They're glistening with your tears and they look more beautiful than ever…Like wet crystals, glowing pools of water…

I take a step towards you, I reach out a hand to cup your cheek…It's so soft, and wet…Can you see my eyes Cloud? I'm sorry…Your eyes, those eyes that never focused on mine. The blue never met the red, they always wavered, always avoided. Even now, you're not looking into them. 

"I-I…"

I can't even speak…My voice chokes.

"Will you be waiting Tifa? Will you?"

I take a step back and look back at you…the room is spinning…

I swipe a hand across my eyes, trying to hide my tears, but it's no use…they keep spilling out...

"Will you? Will you be waiting?"

I can feel the cold metal in my pocket…I grasp it like a vice. This is my way out, my door to oblivion...my door to peace?

The room is still spinning…

"Tifa…Will you?"

I slowly take it out, press it to the side of my head…the cool steel is soothing…

The room is still spinning…

I look at you…Maybe this isn't the way, maybe there's still hope. But maybe if I had the strength, I'd be able to stop myself. Maybe if it was a different day, a different time, this wouldn't be happening. It's too late now, I've already started something I have to finish. 

"I'll always love you, you've known, haven't you? But...I'm so sorry Cloud…I won't, and I can't anymore..."

I whisper through short gasps, tears now spilling like tiny rivulets down the slopes of my cheeks. People say that fate plays tricks on us. They say that fate is something that can't be controlled, that it's something inevitable. Since when did this fate become mine? Maybe in another world, this wouldn't be happening. Maybe the other Tifa would be taking another chance, throwing out a last shred of hope...and maybe that Tifa would be in your arms right now. That chance isn't here, the hope is gone...I guess I'll never know how it feels. I'm sorry it had to be this way.

Your eyes are pleading to me, but mine are already shut as I exert pressure on that trigger.

The room stopped spinning.

******

Author's Note: Gosh, I'm so sorry for writing this! I don't know, I was feeling a little depressed and wanted to create a sad story for once…just for experimentation…Well, how'd you like this? Probably a piece of crap huh…yeah, I know you all…Anyway, this is probably my first depression-attack fic I've written, hopefully many more will NOT follow…Heh Heh ^_^…For now, I'll keep up my happy prozac fanfics to keep y'all happy, unless you want more sad ones? Well, please, give me some C&C at [SyberSquid@aol.com][1] Sure, if you want to send me flames, go ahead! I don't care…^_~

PS: Hey, you lazy bums! Read the damn song lyrics I put in all of my fics! They actually have a lot to say for the fanfic itself!!! I put a lot of thought into finding them you know…so GO! Read all of my fics over AND THE GOSHDARNED LYRICS!!!! _

   [1]: mailto:SyberSquid@aol.com



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